How to survive parting with your loved one?

Every person who is not alien to the senses andexperiences, ever had to let go of their lives those who want to let go of it the least. Sometimes parting with a loved one can be extremely painful. It is one thing to say goodbye to a person, quite another to say one’s feelings towards him, which, having left, still loving, one can experience within oneself both months and years (remember the textbook Akhmatov "Ten years of fading and shouting ..."). A painful parting can turn into depression or lead to very sad consequences, even suicide. Sometimes people who have experienced a difficult parting, for a long time, end any more or less long-term relationship with the opposite sex. That is, the separation may cause serious moral injury.

Искусство часто романтизирует расставания.In songs and poems, the most painful moments are savored, and sometimes the sadness felt by parting seems even pleasant. Parting with his beloved man - this topic is probably one of those that most often savor in female prose. “Any love story ends beautifully,” mass culture assures us. “No,” say psychologists. Parting is a serious reason to consult with one of them. There is nothing shameful or surprising in the fact that sometimes people come to the specialist's office and ask one simple and clear question to the psychologist: "How do you survive the separation from your loved one?"

Let us try and ask ourselves this question and briefly highlight the main milestones on the upcoming difficult path.

Goodbye, and if forever, then goodbye forever

The hardest thing at the beginning of this journey is to acceptthat the separation was complete. Often, people who have just parted with a dear person do not ask themselves how to survive what happened, but how to get their loved one back after parting (or loved one)? In this case, you need, first of all, to understand your feelings and honestly answer the question: "What do I want, what is the main thing for me?" Most likely, at this stage the answer will be something like the following: "I want to return to her (him) and never part again." Well, you have understood your feelings, now it was easy. Go ahead. You have the most difficult point. We need to honestly answer the question: is it worth returning lost relationships? Surely inside you will hear an instant joyful "Yes !!!" Do not flatter yourself. There are many who want to answer inside you. Hormones speak for you, your emotional dependence on another person, your deceived expectations, but certainly not you. Remember why you broke up. If a partner simply, as they say, abandoned you, then you certainly should not return a lost relationship. Even if you succeed, before this you will go through a mass of humiliations. You will have to cast off self-esteem, forget about self-esteem, about your needs, goals, hobbies. The only desire that remains in you will be the promotion of a partner in your interests.

Love or ... "breaking"?

Perhaps now you are in such a statethat self-esteem and do not think, and even more forgotten about hobbies. But try to approach the problem from the other side: do you really love the person with whom you want to have a relationship? "What a stupid question?" - shouts now, probably, your inner voice. But love, true love is impossible without respecting your needs. Psychologists say that true love is not a storm of emotions at all. This is just a desire to be with your chosen one, with the obligatory condition that you can live in peace without him. And the terrible feeling that you are experiencing now is not love at all. Listen to yourself. Ask yourself the question: “Does what I feel now remind you, everything that I had heard before (a) or read about breaking up?” Yes, yes, do not be surprised! With sober thinking, you will agree with me that the burning desire to see your loved one, to hear his voice, to touch his hair, etc. akin to the state that addicts experience, without being able to take the next dose of the cherished substance.

In fact, dependence on a person isserious problem. She is often underestimated by people. They are not inclined to put dependence on a loved one on a par with other addictions. This would seem to demean your feelings. But believe me, turning a blind eye to a problem and sorting out this problem is diametrically opposite. Now, after parting with your beloved, you should try to answer the question as honestly as possible: "But am I not attached to this person more than I would like?" "Breaking" is not difficult to notice. But having defined the problem, you can already look for ways to solve it. Enemy need to know by name. In this case, his name is an emotional addiction.

What is emotional dependence?

Romantic literature defines love as"I want him to be always there." Similarly, psychologists characterize emotional dependence. In childhood, we were all emotionally dependent on our parents. Our mood was manageable and could easily change depending on whether we heard from dad and mom praise or disapproval. One of the most important components of the period of maturation is the overcoming of emotional dependence on parents. Theoretically, an adult is not emotionally dependent on anyone. If there is a desire and opportunity, he builds relationships with other people. And no - it is quite capable of living alone.

But in practice it often goes completely wrong.Someone is secretly in love and instantly loses his will in the presence of a favorite object, someone is dependent on his best friend and feels that the earth is slipping from under his feet as soon as he sees the slightest chill in the words or actions of his "god." And “god” has a cold and runny nose, “god” doesn’t get enough sleep for several days, he didn’t want to offend you at all, but he was just very tired. But in a state of emotional dependence, these arguments do not work. But "he stopped loving me" works very well.

Emotional addiction - real, seriousproblem. In the light of this basic knowledge, attempts to romanticize the sufferings of love seem not just ridiculous, but even dangerous. Who said that dependence on a person is better than a drug, if love sometimes leads to death?

Overcoming addiction: the advantages of parting

Overcoming emotional addiction isthe main, most difficult and long-term stage on the path that you have to go. But by the way, not everything is so bad! You have reason to rejoice. Firstly, it is quite possible that until you were separated from your partner, it was not love that held you, but a condition that in psychology is called codependency, that is, mutual emotional dependence. And now you have your eyes opened, and you can get away from this in order to build healthy relationships in the future. Secondly, sometimes it happens that a person is secretly dependent on his best friend, and then addiction can live for years. And behind you is a separation, that is, your dependence is a priori doomed to gradual fading, since any dependency needs constant recharge, and your source with living water, no matter how sad it may sound, is blocked. That is, your partner has already done the main work for you. You do not have much left to help yourself.

Entirely and not in parts

But how to help, we consider step by step.First, the healing source needs to be finally blocked off by an effort of will, since addiction can continue to feed in small doses. Many have noticed that love (read: emotional dependence) lives more from lack than from excess, which fits well with particular human nature. No wonder Marina Tsvetaeva noticed:

Therefore, the first and most important rule when parting - to leave completely. Here, by the way, the nobility of your partner is checked. Leave also need to be able to. In one song it is sung:

And it is right.It is very dangerous to leave even a small “leakage”: it is unlikely that she will return your partner’s feelings to you, but it can completely delay the separation for a long time, which means it can cause you extra pain. Do you need it?

Rejecting, hugging is not necessary

Однако расстаться насовсем порой бывает очень difficult, especially if the partner behaves ignoble: it appears, then disappears. Explain this to yourself first. Then you can talk directly with your loved one. Do not forget: if you love him, it does not mean that you become a priori a rug at the front door. You also have feelings that need to be respected. Most often it happens that you understand this, but you don’t give this to your partner precisely because you love. After all, love is sometimes scary: you meet with a partner - and you forget all your good intentions to part or at least dot everything. It seems to you that since he looked at you, if he smiled and spoke favorably, it means that he will never leave you. This is self-deception. It is enough to test deja va several times to make sure that it does not work. Your loved one is not an all-seeing god, he may not even notice that you have such strong feelings.

Единственное его достоинство, из-за которого вы so hold on to him, in fact, not at all his dignity, but your love. Understand this, try to look at your beloved, depriving him of the aura of your love. Your loved one is just a person who needs to know that you are hurt and unpleasant. You are not at all obliged to hide your feelings and spare your partner because you love. Remind yourself that honesty is the basis of a healthy relationship, and honestly talk with a partner, ask him about certainty in the relationship. You have no right to ask for love, a person is not free to want and love himself, but certainty in relationships is the little that we have to give to others and have the right to demand towards ourselves. So demand her! Respect yourself! You are not a toy that you can play when you want, and throw when you want. Explain to your loved one how you feel, and urge him not to give you any extra hope. This is the basis of the conversation.

Do not indulge yourself

This flour, the test after breaking upYou can meet with your loved one in neutral territory if you, for example, study or work together. If you split up completely, it is sometimes difficult to say hello. Well, you have the right not to greet at all.

Yes, for some time you can break off relations withdear to the heart of man forever. This will be a radical, but the best way out. It is useful to get angry at your partner. If you are not in love with each other, but your beloved gave you unjustified hopes, it's time to remember this. If you had a relationship, and your loved one showed disdain for your feelings, it's time to remember that. This is not vengefulness or rancor. This is the salvation of self. Now it is possible. You will think about forgiveness later when you are saved from the clutches of addiction. Do not forget about the correct designation of your problem. Being angry with a partner can be the first remedy.

Very often people, having parted, it would seem,finally, continue to follow the life of a loved one. It is not right. Of course, tracking partner's life through pages on social networks cannot be compared with real communication. Nevertheless, it delays the separation. No matter how difficult it is, move away from your partner for good. Do not look at his page, it will be hard for you to see evidence of his active life at a time when you still can not think about anything but him. Even if on its page updates rarely occur, do not look, - you do not need extra memories. Do not ask about his mutual friends. Ask friends not to tell you the news from his life and not to remind him at all. Put a taboo on this topic. Do not touch her in conversations. Science fiction writer Ray Bradbury said some wonderful words:

And you do not give pleasure to the inner "breaking", do not make yourself any indulgence at all! Of course, this will not solve the problem instantly, but will help you survive the separation in a shorter period of time.

Perhaps parting will reveal one of your talents?

A sense of sports anger helps. Feel like a fighter! Tell yourself: "They say that you can’t order your heart, but I will take it and order it! And I will cope!

Старайтесь не раздувать "жвачку своей печали".A very big temptation at this time to listen to sad music and imbued with verses about parting with your loved one, conveying your condition. Of course, in moderate doses it is possible. However, it is not necessary to limp to the music. If you feel that your mood and so hopelessly fell, you should not finish yourself with sad songs.

Another thing - these sad songs to create.Think about your hobbies, try to tell in your creative work about your love, that it, even rejected, dying, is beautiful. Many girls, having met with unrequited love, begin to write poems about parting with their loved one, intuitively sublimating unstripped love energy into creativity. Remember, Zemfira sang:

So, it is not necessary to choke.We must be able to find the use of this tenderness. Maybe she will live in your songs and poems, plush dolls or palaces of matches. Do not forget about your hobbies! They are able to provide you with a real service in a difficult period of separation.

Write letters

One of the most common answers to a questionabout how to survive the separation - write a letter to the partner (of course, without sending it). In the epistolary genre, you can express all the oppressive feelings. Perhaps their oppression will weaken slightly. However, it does not help everyone.

Make up the day regimen

Think about your physical abilities.Based on them, make a plan of action. If you are not very hardy, get tired quickly - turn on "power saving mode". No extra responsibility! Do only the work you need to do. Ensure a good sleep (at least 8 hours a day) and good nutrition, they are doubly needed under stress. Pamper your body. He spent enough life energy on another person. Return this energy to him. Interesting books, delicious food, pleasant baubles to the heart - let every little thing work on your mood. Every day, getting out of bed, ask yourself: "How can I improve today?" And often praise yourself for the slightest achievement. Let the internal skeptics seem insignificant: it is not easy for the body to reach them under stress.

But not all suitable given action plan.If you are distinguished by endurance, you easily cope with the bulk of work, and free time now, after parting, makes you feel like a favorite, it makes sense to tighten discipline. Write down your day, fill it up to failure. Take a side job, volunteer, remember your old hobbies. Combine two things at once: knit and listen to an audiobook, run - and let the music play in the headphones. Cheerful, vigorous, rhythmic music. Ensure that in the evening you fall into bed powerless. And even more so without memories of his beloved.

Consult a psychologist

Порой ситуация становится настолько серьезной, that even ordinary measures do not help. If you feel that you are no longer in control of it, if after a separation quite a long time has passed, and you still do not know how to survive the separation, then it may be time to turn to a psychologist. There is nothing wrong with that; Remember that in the West it is a common practice. A specialist will give you some tips. Parting with a loved one only they will help to survive.

Do not forget that only by closing one door, you canopen another. Perhaps experiencing separation from your loved one, you learn to love yourself. Only relationships that ended completely will give you a chance to find true love and build a truly healthy relationship.